I DO apologise for boring you all about my own health, but it’s all that has been on my mind this week.

I have been given the news that, unless I am able to be weaned from my potentially dangerous medications, I will not be able to try to have any more children. I can’t cope without said medications, and daily take in excess of 10 tablets, more depending on how bad a day it is, so that might appear to be that.

I’ve also been told that there is nothing else worthwhile that can be done for my pain levels at present. Instead, I am off to see a clinical psychologist who is hopefully going to help me deal with the depression that often comes hand in hand with chronic pain.

So, we’re now in acceptance and management, rather than any form of solution.

I don’t think I have quite come to terms with this yet and, of course, nothing is definite. Elements of it are crushing nonetheless, as my heart is breaking for my husband, who I know would have loved more children. I feel so guilty that I am the damaged party who’s causing him this pain.

It makes me want to stop taking my medication instantly, but I know that if I do that at present, I won’t be able to get on with daily life and work.

As a result, my head has been whirling with the associated emotions. We are lucky to have one healthy daughter, and I am well aware that there are many people are in a much, much worse position.

Then my head reminds me of those who don’t have to face this dilemma and angst, and I am back to feeling angry and frustrated. As a result, I become rather brittle again.

Given my mother’s own history with mental illness and depression, I know how things can become dangerously overwhelming and how much I need to admit to this and to face it head on. Mum experienced such bad post-natal depression after my birth that it remained with her for life.

The NHS waiting list for the support service means I have to wait until the end of October to commence this help – an understandable delay given the number of people currently estimated to suffer severely from stress or mental illness.

So until then, I am going to take serious solace in the activities which keep me sane.

Anything that can keep the mind occupied – reading, cross stitching, knitting, cooking, watching undemanding TV – is good, plus a healthy side portion of chocolate. After all, its antioxidants are amazingly good for you!