Mental health advocate shares psychosis story

Peter McDonnell, 38, from Penrith Road was diagnosed with “cannabis induced psychosis with delusions of a grandiose nature” in 2001. He was smoking a lot of cannabis at the time, and said he thought of himself as “superior” and like a “modern day messiah.”

He described one incident, when he travelled to the Ritz hotel in London, and attempted to meet with popstar Britney Spears because he thought he was “telepathically connected to her.”

“My family could see that I was unwell,” he said.

“The next day, they took me to see a doctor, and I was sectioned on a locked ward. I thought, oh my god my world is crashing around me.

“The medication was really strong and had side effects which I wasn’t prepared for. I thought, those guys don’t believe me, don’t believe that I’m special. I was thinking that I was going to be locked up forever.”

Peter escaped from the ward, and made his way to a bridge in Basingstoke where he jumped, attempting to take his own life.

He broke his back in three places and both his arms, and was unable to move from the neck down. But after three months in hospital, he thankfully made a full physical recovery.

He said: “I blacked out completely on the way down. In the hospital, apparently I kept coming in and out of consciousness. I was lucky to make a total recovery, and my psychosis got a lot better while I was in the general hospital.”

But, unfortunately, later that year the psychotic episodes returned, and Peter spent a further three months in hospitals in East London and Thatcham.

“I had my mum, dad and two brothers in Basingstoke at the time and they had to travel 80 miles and through London to visit me. It was nice when they told me I was going to Thatcham.

“My dad was working as a psychiatric nurse, and my mum had also worked as one, so when I got ill they knew how to help and they were with me all the time. They were always able to do the right thing.”

In 2004, Peter began to experience severe panic attacks, which would sometimes last up to five hours a day. He attended sessions at Adelphi Place, in Basingstoke, a day centre offering support for adults experiencing mental health issues, but also spent several stints at Parklands hospital in Basingstoke.

In 2006 he was given a different medication, called Clozapine, and this helped him a lot.

“It got so much better. It was described to me in such a positive way, it was for people who had not responded to the regular antipsychotics.”

2006 also marked Peter’s last stay in the hospital and, in the years since, he has worked with others struggling with mental health, sharing his experiences.

Between 2007 and 2010 he worked for Raise Mental Health - an organisation where every employee had experienced mental health issues, and so Peter felt very much at home.

“If I needed a break or to go home early, it was never a problem,” he said.

He then worked in charity shops for a while, before returning to college in 2011 to study carpentry.

“By 2014, I was pretty much ok with socialising. It was a slow process, but it was steady. Most people have ups and downs, but for me it was gradual.”

Peter said that a turning point for him was when he attended his brother’s wedding in 2013 in the south of France.

“I knew I had to go, but I thought, a week in France away from home - what if I had anxiety? But it went really really well and I had a great time. I remember thinking I had turned a bit of a corner.

“Sometimes when I have something difficult to do I remember my journey. It is almost appropriate to consider it my training. I know to deal with things now.

“I am open and proud of it. Even the cliche of being ‘crazy’ - I actually was, and it’s ok, it’s kind of cool.

“I have probably several moments every week when I stop and think and remember when I wasn’t well, and how far I have come.”

Peter McDonnell's blog is aimed at helping others cope with their mental health

This acceptance led Peter to begin his blog - in an attempt to both document his journey, and help others.

“I realised over the last few years how open people are becoming about it. It made me feel it was ok to talk about it. I hope people can see my blog and be helped too,” he said.

“I have been enjoying writing for a couple of years, because I have been working on my memoir. After all, they say write what you know!

“I think it gets more important as time goes by. I think for me, not being a big socialiser, lockdown doesn’t really affect me that much because I am used to minimal socialising but for other people it can’t be easy. Some people just want to get out. Being able to access resources online, especially in this time, is very important.”

Peter, who now works for DE South Pharmaceuticals in Daneshill, is also a strong believer in speaking to people about what you are going through.

He said: “When I was first unwell I wasn't talking to anyone. I practically didn’t even know what psychosis actually meant. When I opened up in 2006 and began seeing that the people around me can help me, that was the exact same time as I started getting better.

“It’s still helpful to talk about it, I talk about it all the time. A couple of the guys at work have had similar journeys. Back in the day I used to get a bit embarrassed about it, but it’s not embarrassing. It's one of my skills, something I can bring to the table. I realise though that I am very well, and some people who are not as well might not be as confident.”

Between 2018 and 2019, he returned to the ward at Parklands where he was a patient five times, as a peer support worker.

“To be able to talk to the guys there and tell them a bit about my journey was great. Maybe it’s just chatting, or having a game of table tennis. It’s something the regular staff can’t really do because they don’t know what it’s like on the other side,” he said.

Talking about his life now, and what he hopes others will take from his blog, Peter said: “I am a little bit proud of myself. It has left me with a lot of self-respect, having had the journey I have and got through it.

“I go for a walk pretty much every day with my mum, and I am always taking photos. Painting is so therapeutic as well - your cares just fall away, and having it come together and be something to be proud of, that feeling stays with me all day.

“I think it’s a great idea to have hobbies, projects, things to do, activities. When I went back to college, after that three years I was just much much better with my socialising.

“But one thing that really helped me was realising that, no matter what situation I was in, if I feel bad I can just home. It takes the pressure off. I feel I can just take myself out of the situation.”

Through it all, family has remained important to Peter and he now enjoys spending time with his two nieces, aged four and six.

“I love my nieces. Looking after them gives me the feeling of being a mature adult. In sync with the world. It makes me feel normal.”

He added: “A good sense of humour is good too.

“My brother would joke with me if I was having anxiety. It showed me they still saw me as a person, even with my illness.

“At the beginning it is difficult, but it’s about finding what works for you. I remember when I was in that situation and people were saying things and it didn’t sink in that much. If people you trust are offering to help you, let them.”

• If you are affected by any of the issues discussed in this story and you need someone to talk to, call Samaritans on their free hotline: 116 123.