IT IS great news for all authoritarian do-gooders that the local hospital will be going “smoke-free” in October. (Gazette, August 8, page 7, ‘Smoking ban for hospital’).

I, for one, am looking forward to the chaos, conflict and misery it will engender. Certainly, the enforcement attempts will be thoroughly amusing.

It is a magnificent victory for intolerance, ignorance and totalitarianism, I am particularly impressed that it coincides with a ‘culture change’ initiative that has exposed bullying in the Trust and plans to put this right.

Clearly there is some ironic contradiction going on here, that seems to belie the assumption, by its instigators, of a significant lack of intelligence in the intended recipients of this dictat — the staff, patients and relatives.

On a more serious note, the propagandist announcement detailing this excellent news convinces us, obviously, of the tremendous benefits this will accrue for all involved.

The smokers will all be encouraged to contact Quit4life and receive thoroughly sanctimonious support.

The patients will no doubt be given compulsory NRT (Nicotene replacement therapy), known particularly for its inefficacy, and at great cost to the tax payer.

The relatives of the terminally ill and the bereaved will be exposed to the self-righteous vitriol of the sociopathic anti-smoking brigade, which will perfectly enhance the stress of their agonised plight.

The dirty, stinking, addiction riddled staff who stupidly ignore the continual indoctrination they are subjected to, and really should know better, will retreat to the borders of the trust property to escape their workplace bullies and diligently commence littering the environs with fag butts.

So, all in all, a win win situation all round. Oh, and as an insignificant aside did you know that there is absolutely no evidence that passive smoking does any harm to anyone. Controversial.

Hey! I nearly forgot, did you know that actual government income from tobacco manufacturers and sales far exceeds any of the imaginary inflated ‘costs’ of tobacco to the NHS — fascinating stuff isn’t it. Congratulations to all concerned.

Dr Phil Button

— Proud member of staff and service user, Balsan Close.