THE LAST WITCH HUNTER (12A, 106 mins)

Starring: Vin Diesel, Sir Michael Caine, Rose Leslie, Elijah Wood, Julie Engelbrecht, Olafur Darri Olafsson, Lotte Verbeek, Sloane Coombs.

Director: Breck Eisner.

Released: October 21 (UK & Ireland)

AT a critical juncture in Breck Eisner's risible swords and sorcery romp, a snivelling human begs an evil enchantress to bless him with dark magic so he might serve alongside her.

"Clay cannot be turned to gold," she hisses.

The Last Witch Hunter is an ugly lump of clay, devoid of magic, which half-heartedly conceals a clumsy script and wooden performances behind a miasma of bombastic special effects.

All of the digital trickery in the world can't disguise the repeated missteps of director Eisner and three screenwriters, who imagine a present day in which crones and mankind live side-by-side in harmony.

Leading man Vin Diesel trades in the souped-up vehicles of the Fast & Furious franchise for voluminous facial fur as the hag-slaying hero, who has walked the earth for 800 years, scything down the creatures of the night that threaten this fragile truce.

After the opening 15 minutes, we secretly pray he might take his blade to everyone on screen and bring an abrupt end to the preposterous hocus pocus.

Alas, there's clear intent for a sequel - a thought infinitely more terrifying than the plague of flesh-burrowing flies, which the witches unleash upon New York to signal the apocalypse.

Mighty warrior Kaulder (Diesel) belongs to a group called the Axe and Cross, which ensures witches do not abuse their powers against mankind.

Eight hundred years ago, he vanquished the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht) but as she took her last breath, the wily crone transferred her immortality to Kaulder.

"I curse you to walk the earth for all eternity. You will never die!"

For centuries, Kaulder has protected us, aided by a succession of holy confidants including his latest handler, Dolan Thirty-Six (Sir Michael Caine), who is poised to retire and pass the mantle to Dolan Thirty-Seven (Elijah Wood).

When an assassin called Belial (Olafur Darri Olafsson) uses dark magic against the Axe and Cross in order to revive the Witch Queen, Kaulder saunters into action, aided and abetted by a sassy British sorceress called Chloe (Rose Leslie).

"Who says that a witch can't hunt witches?" she chirrups as the flimsy plot unfolds, interspersed with hazy flashbacks to Kaulder's first life with his wife (Lotte Verbeek) and daughter (Sloane Coombs).

The Last Witch Hunter is an interminable bore, which foolishly places the weight of the film on Diesel's broad shoulders.

Without a hint of emotion or nary a spark of on-screen chemistry with co-star Leslie, he struts manfully through each set piece, bound for the inevitable final showdown that is as confusing as it is anti-climactic.

Oscar winner Caine lends gravitas to his underpowered role.

A final reel twist will surprise only the few members of the audience who are still conscious or care at that point.

Damon Smith