Two By Two: Ooops... The Ark Has Gone (U, 87 mins)
Featuring the voices of Dermot Magennis, Callum Maloney, Lara Flynn, Ava Connolly, Paul Tylak, Patrick Fitzsymons, Alan Stanford, Aileen Mythen.
Directors: Toby Genkel, Sean McCormack.
Released: May 1 (UK & Ireland)
THE biblical story of Noah, neatly encapsulated in six chapters of the book of Genesis, provides a weak catalyst for this derivative computer-animated adventure, which strives to emulate the Ice Age films but falls woefully short of that franchise's visual sophistication and belly laughs.
Co-directors Toby Genkel and Sean McCormack chart a pedestrian course through shallow dramatic waters, bringing together cuddly critters in a race against time to escape an apocalyptic downpour.
Vocal performances are lacklustre, like the visuals, and the absence of jeopardy in the closing frames is palpable.
Crucially, Two By Two defies its own flimsy set-up without obvious reason, such as inviting a family of three giraffes into the ark, while only allowing one member of other species to apparently board the gargantuan gopher wood vessel.
Noah is mentioned but never seen - instead a sanctimonious, self-serving lion captains the ship aided by a pair of grouchy gorillas.
Any wholesome messages about family unity, teamwork and tolerance buried in the ham-fisted script are submerged beneath a thick glaze of syrupy sentiment as the film reaches its underwhelming conclusion.
Dave (voiced by Dermot Magennis) and his inquisitive young son Finny (Callum Maloney) belong to a fluffy land-based species called Nestrians, who are excellent homemakers.
"All the animals of the world have been called to a gathering," Dave explains to his incredulous boy. "There's a flood coming. We'll drown if we don't leave."
On cue, storm clouds gather and the heavens open, ushering the two Nestrians on their exhausting trek for survival.
They arrive to discover that "all animals are welcome on Noah's ark... as long as you're on Noah's list."
Alas, Dave and Finny are rejected for travel as well as two bat-like predators called Griffins (Aileen Mythen, Magennis again).
The resourceful Nestrians adopt laughable disguises to pose as carnivorous hyena-like Grymps alongside a genuine mother animal called Hazel (Lara Flynn) and her daughter Leah (Ava Connolly).
The roaring flood arrives but Finny and Leah are stranded on dry land with a giant slug called Obesey (Paul Tylak) and his parasitic passenger, Stayput (Patrick Fitzsymons).
As the youngsters head for higher ground, Dave and Hazel desperately attempt to turn around the ark.
Fittingly, Two By Two: Ooops... The Ark Has Gone is a damp squib.
Elements of the vastly superior Finding Nemo are flung into the bland mix, offset by the feeble villainy of The Griffins, whose attempts to eat Finny and Leah are pathetic.
The closest the film comes to a joke is one passenger announcement aboard the ark: "Our approximate sailing time is 40 days and 40 nights. We are expecting some choppy seas and light drizzle."
Thankfully Genkel and McCormack's film only lasts 87 minutes, but that still feels like a slog.
4/10
Damon Smith
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